Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season

This article is reprinted with permission by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. For more information on grief and healing and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books, visit www.centerforloss.com.

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved.  Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

Love does not end with death

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief—a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living.  Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling.

We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year.  As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk about your grief

During the holiday season, don’t be afraid to express your feelings of grief.  Ignoring your grief won’t make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better.  Find caring friends and relatives who will listen—without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.

Be tolerant of your physical and psychological limits

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued.  Your low energy level may naturally slow you down.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you.  And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate unnecessary stress

You may already feel stressed, so don’t overextend yourself.  Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself.  Realize also that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be with supportive, comforting people

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings.  Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings—both happy and sad.

Talk about the person who has died

Include the person’s name in your holiday conversation.  If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do what is right for you during the holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays.  Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do.  Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend. Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays.  As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

Plan ahead for family gatherings

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time.  This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens.  Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened.  As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.

Embrace your treasure of memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved.  And holidays always make you think about times past.  Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.  Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness.  If your memories bring laughter, smile.  If your memories bring sadness, then it’s all right to cry.  Memories that were made in love—no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew your resources for living

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life.  The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life—past, present and future.  The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation.  Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express your faith

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs.  Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs.  If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony.

As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love.  Don’t let anyone take your grief away.  Love yourself.  Be patient with yourself.  And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

 

Accompanying Brochure: “Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season.”

Spanish Brochure: “Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season (Spanish).” 

Final Call for Birdies for Charity pledges

Pledges due July 14!

A reminder that there is still time to donate to The Legacy project through Birdies for Charity! Since 1971 the John Deere Classic has delivered over $70 million to regional charities, most of it through its innovative Birdies for Charity program. Through Birdies for Charity, it is gratifying to know that 100% of every pledge collected for The Legacy Project goes directly to us. The John Deere Foundation covers all administrative costs to make that possible. Plus, the tournament takes its profits each year and delivers a second check from between 5% and 10% of our final total to make the deal even sweeter. There is no more impactful way for you to help The Legacy Project!

Download a pledge form today, where you can guess the number of birdies and have a chance to win some awesome prizes. You can send your form directly to the Birdies for Charity office.

Or, donate directly online through this link.

But remember, use The Legacy Project’s birdie number (2101), on your paper pledge form or to find us online. Deadline is July 14, but don’t wait that long.

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It’s Okay

It’s getting so close to Mother’s Day.  Many people are working on their brunch menu for mom, buying her last minute presents, sending her flowers. Why do we make such a big deal of this day? Because moms are awesome! We all know this. But for some whose moms are not here, the day can be hard. HARD with all caps hard.

We all face challenges at different points in our lives, and sometime it’s dealing with loss. Even years later, there can be hard days – often around holidays. It’s okay. It’s okay to not feel okay.

You should be able to say, “I’m not okay today”, without being made to feel  you’re not handling things well, or that something is wrong with you.

It’s okay to talk about why you’re not okay. Or not. It’s all okay.

It’s okay to feel not okay when seemingly the whole world around you feels happy and joyful.

It’s okay if you need to practice self-care by taking time for you. Spending time alone or with lots of people around you. It’s okay.

It’s okay to ask for help.

So, how can those of you who are feeling okay, even joyful, help those who are not?

Offer a hug instead of a sideways glance as you keep walking.

Tell them you’re there to listen if they want to share.

Hand them a Kleenex.

Be mindful of others, and think about what you might want if you were not feeling okay.

However you’re feeling this Mother’s Day – it’s okay. Know that tomorrow is a new day.